“Do not Cry!”: How do you not react to children’s feelings

How often we say to the children: “Don’t cry!”,” Not no “,” What are you, crybaby?”. And we do not understand that we devalue their feelings. But how to react when the child is sobbing and does not want to listen to anything? We understand the psychotherapist Julia Chulkova.

Emotional intelligence helps both adults and children. I recall the five -year -old daughter of my friend, in front of which her mother was called by a passenger, late on the plane.

While the woman was in horror, how to explain what had happened to the child, her daughter said: “Mom, it seems to me that my uncle was just very upset because I did not have time for the plane. He could not express his feelings and therefore shouted from resentment “. Most likely, her mother also in this way explained to her daughter her feelings, and she managed to understand the other, relying on this experience.

After all, emotional intelligence helps not only achieve goals, which is certainly important. He gives us the opportunity to survive in the face of life troubles, not feeling like a victim.

How to help the child develop emotional intelligence? First you need to teach him to recognize specific feelings behind a set of obscure bodily sensations and impulses. And here parents have difficulties. After all, no one taught us this. And no matter how good our intentions are, it is very difficult to act contrary to our own children’s experience.

Automatic reactions

1. “Do not cry”, “do not be afraid”, “do not be sad”. Often these words fly out before we understand that we are saying something wrong. Unfortunately, for a child they can sound as a call to restrain emotions, because children think literally. It will be better if you show the child that his feelings are important to you: you distract from business, hug, comfort.

2. “Oh, come on to you, think”, “Is it an occasion to cry and get angry”. Perhaps, with the help of these messages, an adult wants to protect the child from “negative” feelings. But in fact, he simply depreciates them. Such phrases teach to rely on the feelings of others more than on their own. With one of my clients, we have been working on her ability to rely on our own feelings for more than a year. At the age of three, she was afraid that she would eat her a huge “Soviet” cabinet in the bedroom. The older brother and sister liked the idea, and they poured oil into the fire. Parents in response to complaints of the youngest daughter laughed and reacted only to the elders: “Stop mocking”. As a result, the client learned to move away from her feelings so much that she did not take them into account at all.

Subsequently, when her boyfriend “joked”: “You say that all women are worthy of gifts, and why do you not have them?” – and flooded with laughter, she felt disgusting, but believed her partner that she was really unworthy of gifts. As soon as feelings were rehabilitated, the life of the client has changed a lot.

So that in the future the child does not have such difficulties, it is better if you deal with him what is happening to him. He can feel physical discomfort and respond, for example, a scream, although he actually wants to eat or scared. The more feelings a person learn to distinguish, the more appropriate his reactions will be.

3. “And if I’m grooming now?”,” What a whiner “. Perhaps the adult is trying to find out what really needs. But instead simply depreciates his feelings. Therefore, just just ask: “What do you want?”Without ridicuating the child.

4. “With such crybabs, no one will be friends. Such a reaction causes a child to shame for his feelings, the feeling that something is wrong with him. It will be better if you let him feel that everything that is happening to him is normal and you will help that no matter what happens.

5. “If you don’t stop there right now, then. “. Sometimes such words say exhausted, morally exhausted adults. Therefore, it is worth, as in an airplane, to put on a mask first – to recover, and then cares about children’s perception. The child has an inadequate adult reaction can cause anger or resentment: after all, they are going to punish him for what he is.

6. “Boys don’t cry”. Often, adults hope to educate a

“real man”: strong, successful. But in fact they achieve only one thing: the child decides that he has no right to feelings.

In this vein, it is interesting that, according to statistics, in Russia, 6 times more men die from suicide than women 1 . Many researchers associate this with the fact that “real men” cannot ask for help, cannot admit weakness, do not know how to accept support. It is also curious that, according to statistics, 90% of 2 top managers have high emotional intelligence, so “real men” have fewer chances of success than those who pay attention to their experiences.

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